tomorrow night last night, got to thinking.
imagining, measuring the age difference.
the stages, i love to do it.
it doesn't bother me, this gap. it's not profound.
but i lay awake in my bed last night,
scaring myself. tossing/turning.
w(t)rapped inside a fabric box.
i'm not afraid to die, not afraid to die today.
but if we have to lie awake, every night,
watching each other.
clear the phlegm, push the disease out of our lips
with coughs that shake our bed.
well, i'm afraid to die tomorrow.
there's a part of me, that thinks it's really cute.
creating a home, a family. building each other,
storing our secrets in our muscles.
but there's a part of me that is so scared
to watch the life slip out of you.
i can't take it, god, it hurts so much.
i don't want to watch it.
i never ever want to reach that age
where we cradle our thin skin and deep lines and hope it's not tomorrow.
it's not tomorrow that i go away. or that you never wake up.
if there were a way,
i'd rather just lay down and sleep forever, on some night that we decide,
instead of being ripped out of reality,
and thrown into a frame.
for one of us to remember until one day the pain seizes up our heart,
and the ache cuts off the lungs,
and enter stiffness, enter silence, enter dark.
scene.
babyletsgo
much better
let's try this again, let's remove it.
neutrality, entirely, nothing you can see.
show it to everyone, let them try to feel this,
they never know. never, never know.
but that's the point, it's all a secret.
a secret in a secret, that's not even secret.
write about you, you, you. you're you.
you know it's you.
write about nobody, it's anybody.
you're anybody. it's still you.
underneath the tree, swelling feet.
marveling at some tiny splendor, something that could just slip away.
worms and earth, and natural ends to means to new beginnings.
affinity for skin, for someone there, for human scent.
for warmth, for comfort, for someone to fill the spaces.
water displaced, apples in the bucket.
the telling sign, i know it well, known it all along.
i've been there, been the space, been the filler.
been the thing that just slipped away.
tied your fingers to your mouth, made a puppet show
out of those sharply defined lips.
now every time you move, your mouth speaks,
but you, you're just in the path. counting the cores.
resting underneath, just idly waiting.
eyes blacked out, face turning into tanned corduroy.
grey shading, the colour of forgetting.
forgetting how to live, how to know people,
how to love something, how to reach inside.
you just gave up.
"you just gave up."
neutrality, entirely, nothing you can see.
show it to everyone, let them try to feel this,
they never know. never, never know.
but that's the point, it's all a secret.
a secret in a secret, that's not even secret.
write about you, you, you. you're you.
you know it's you.
write about nobody, it's anybody.
you're anybody. it's still you.
underneath the tree, swelling feet.
marveling at some tiny splendor, something that could just slip away.
worms and earth, and natural ends to means to new beginnings.
affinity for skin, for someone there, for human scent.
for warmth, for comfort, for someone to fill the spaces.
water displaced, apples in the bucket.
the telling sign, i know it well, known it all along.
i've been there, been the space, been the filler.
been the thing that just slipped away.
tied your fingers to your mouth, made a puppet show
out of those sharply defined lips.
now every time you move, your mouth speaks,
but you, you're just in the path. counting the cores.
resting underneath, just idly waiting.
eyes blacked out, face turning into tanned corduroy.
grey shading, the colour of forgetting.
forgetting how to live, how to know people,
how to love something, how to reach inside.
you just gave up.
No beats - speakbeats!
not a lot of you
i am not loving my roommate right now. it is terrible.
every time she's here, it feels like the greatest weight has been put onto my shoulders.
every time she walks into the room,
it feels like there's darkness seeping through the walls.
to put it simply, she's a stuck-up, selfish, rich bitch
who is only motivated by the idea of making a lot of money.
and i've known her for years,
but i've never seen her the way i see her now.
(again, these suggested tags are ridiculous. my favorite: "olivia feels better." nice.)
every time she's here, it feels like the greatest weight has been put onto my shoulders.
every time she walks into the room,
it feels like there's darkness seeping through the walls.
to put it simply, she's a stuck-up, selfish, rich bitch
who is only motivated by the idea of making a lot of money.
and i've known her for years,
but i've never seen her the way i see her now.
(again, these suggested tags are ridiculous. my favorite: "olivia feels better." nice.)
No beats - speakbeats!
trinket
you looked different that night, slightly yellow.
twisted against the wind like a plastic bag.
you wished a bad wish against me, bought yourself a new pillow.
i didn't think you could be this way,
i wasn't expecting you to be just what you think i am.
swiftly, falling over in your boots. the laces all against the ground.
broke your wisdom teeth
when you were trying to carve your name in my bed with that dirty mouth.
and i was just laughing with you, when you told me it hurt.
we were just laughing away.
sleeping against your back, holding on with all my might.
i thought i wouldn't let go, but i fell off the edge, drowned in the floor.
something about your face was so clear that night, almost unreal.
your facial hair was piercing open spaces, your jaw magnificently defined.
you slapped your words across my face, broke a bone inside my cheek.
made you feel real good, waking up in her bed.
assumed the worst, and cut me off.
said you were sorry, after i had moved on.
and you think it's all my fault, as you sit there with your plum fingers.
you paint me in your mind as the epitome of filthy,
designing weaknesses and vices, bending my body to form your trigger.
you sleep soundly, across several streetlights,
putting your hate on the stove to simmer overnight.
eat your grains, and piss your brains out on a detailed prescription slip.
and secretly you're waking up, every day, to find that
there's a stranger in your bed, someone you don't even care about.
but it wouldn't be the first time,
certainly not.
twisted against the wind like a plastic bag.
you wished a bad wish against me, bought yourself a new pillow.
i didn't think you could be this way,
i wasn't expecting you to be just what you think i am.
swiftly, falling over in your boots. the laces all against the ground.
broke your wisdom teeth
when you were trying to carve your name in my bed with that dirty mouth.
and i was just laughing with you, when you told me it hurt.
we were just laughing away.
sleeping against your back, holding on with all my might.
i thought i wouldn't let go, but i fell off the edge, drowned in the floor.
something about your face was so clear that night, almost unreal.
your facial hair was piercing open spaces, your jaw magnificently defined.
you slapped your words across my face, broke a bone inside my cheek.
made you feel real good, waking up in her bed.
assumed the worst, and cut me off.
said you were sorry, after i had moved on.
and you think it's all my fault, as you sit there with your plum fingers.
you paint me in your mind as the epitome of filthy,
designing weaknesses and vices, bending my body to form your trigger.
you sleep soundly, across several streetlights,
putting your hate on the stove to simmer overnight.
eat your grains, and piss your brains out on a detailed prescription slip.
and secretly you're waking up, every day, to find that
there's a stranger in your bed, someone you don't even care about.
but it wouldn't be the first time,
certainly not.
No beats - speakbeats!
looking up
laying in bed, too hot to wear anything, too cold to stay uncovered.
giant ideas pressing themselves out of my bloodstream.
they're playing games without words, as i'm gritting my teeth.
my head is in aches, my brain a mess on the floor.
talking to myself, saying i can say this. reassuring myself.
i've got to let it out, right?
i just have to let it out.
maybe someday, when i'm feeling mad.
when i am eating outside, by myself, watching people fall together.
before you got crazy, before you wanted to be so complicated.
but not today, just not today.
i can't say more than that, not just yet.
giant ideas pressing themselves out of my bloodstream.
they're playing games without words, as i'm gritting my teeth.
my head is in aches, my brain a mess on the floor.
talking to myself, saying i can say this. reassuring myself.
i've got to let it out, right?
i just have to let it out.
maybe someday, when i'm feeling mad.
when i am eating outside, by myself, watching people fall together.
before you got crazy, before you wanted to be so complicated.
but not today, just not today.
i can't say more than that, not just yet.
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